be all that you can be.......for you!

i don't think i have ever had so much fun watching my child make a huge mess.  i don't think i have ever had so much fun cleaning up a huge mess my child has made.  painting lasted for about 10 minutes before the kiddos figured out that the "paint" tasted good.  watching akina be creative brings out the child in me, the one that i forget is there a lot of the time.  it also helps to bring out my creativity so that i can come up with new projects and fun activities for us to do.  i dream of being the perfectly balanced parent whose child is whimsical, creative, talented and oh so intelligent.  what will she be when she grows up?  a kiss my afterburn test pilot, a pink haired punk drummer, an amazing artist with galleries everywhere fighting to show her creations, the scientist that finds the cure for an uncurable disease.  what will my little jazz be when he grows up?  a julliard trained classical musician, lead singer of an epic band (who, of course, writes his own songs and plays instruments!), a neurosurgeon that saves lives, a world famous writer.  i have high expectations for my children.  i want them to realize and live up to their potential, be unafraid to be who they want to be, unlike their mother.  i have hidden behind excuses for so much of my life because i was and am afraid of what i could actually accomplish.  but, how do you not pass on those traits to your children?  they see everything.  even the insecurities and bad habits you don't want them to see.  knowing that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of them as long as they are true to themselves.  being kind and accepting to and of everyone.  be phenomenal, caring, tough, kindhearted people.

crazy cookie fun

it was so fun to watch what she did to decorate the cookies.  and unbelievable to me how hard it was not to stifle her creativity and tell her how she was "supposed to do it".  i'm so glad i didn't though because what she did was so much better than having a bunch of cookies that looked the same.  who needs uniform cookies, akina's cookies were made to stand out and i know she will be one who stands out for the rest of her life. :-)  next project (thanks to nai nai's idea) finger painting with pudding.  maybe we'll see if a friend wants to come over and do that activity with akina. ;-)

the movement has started! :-o

it happened last night, the first milestone in the journey of movement, my bug rolled over from his back to his tummy.  all it did was make him mad since he is not a fan of being on his tummy, but mommy and daddy were sitting there clapping and telling him how rad he is.  again, he really couldn't have cared less.  there was that little part of my heart that started aching, thinking about how quickly he is growing up already.  3 months old, but it feels like he has been a part of our lives forever.  sometimes i get too caught up in the things i need to get done each day, or so frustrated that there never seems to be an end to the whining, fussing or temper tantrums, that i forget to stop and enjoy the simple things with my duo.  like the beauty of the dandelion that akina picked and thinks is the most beautiful flower in the world, simply because it's a flower.  or the smiles that jazz is more than willing to share just when you look at him, the look of amazement on his face when he is looking at his hand and moving it around and figuring out that it belongs to him.  the hugs that akina comes up and gives me around the neck when i am changing jasper's diaper.  where does the time go and why don't i remember more of those precious treasured moments?  i definitely need to treasure these moments more often so that i have no regrets when the duo is older.

the kids are away, so we shall play.....wait a minute.....who am i without kiddos!?

last friday night jason and i were given an amazing gift.  a night without the duo.  not just a night, a whole 24 hours!  i'm not sure we would have been able to figure out what to do with ourselves if we hadn't already had plans.  it was difficult for me to leave jazz for that amount of time.  akina didn't have a night without both of us until she was about 17 months old and here we were without jazz at 3 months old.  they stayed the night with gammy, pa pa, and aunt michelle, so they were extremely well taken care of.  regardless, as it got closer and closer to time for jazz to go with them, i started getting anxious.  i (kind of) got over it and let him go and decided to enjoy the time that jason and i had together.  as we drove back home i kept looking in the backseat and not only was there no duo, there were no carseats.  this really got me thinking about how i really have no idea how to function as a person that doesn't have to worry about getting home to feed a baby, what time we get home so that a babysitter can go home, and the fact that i won't have children waking me up in the morning so i get to sleep in!  we had a couples shower/bachelor/bachelorette partie(s) to go to and having not slept very well or very long the night before, we agreed that we weren't going to stay out too late.  needless to say we had a lot of fun and got home at a *very decent* 3:30am.  we closed down the last bar we were at and then decided breakfast at perkins sounded like a great idea.  not only can i not tell you the last time i was even awake at 3:30am, i certainly cannot tell you the last time i closed down a bar!!  when i got home all i was thinking was that it was awesome that i would get to sleep in and not worry about a baby waking me up because he's hungry.  i forgot to consider the fact that even though he isn't with me i am still a nursing mommy, so we'll just say my body had a different idea of what time i needed to get up and take care of some things that at that point were about to explode.  my point in all of this is that it has taken me over a year and a half to be able to allow others to take care of my kid(s) without feeling guilty about it or that i am taking advantage of or using them.  i don't know why i am wired this way, but i am.  i don't want to be a bother.  i am so glad that the grandparents were and are willing to take the duo because it was amazing to find anika again.  to not have to be mommy, to be able to let loose, to feel free again for a little while.  i LOVE my duo.  love, love, love them, but i need to remember to love me too and not lose sight of who i am just because i am a parent now.  that's a struggle, it has been since akina was born.  i'm not saying you have to close down bars, go to breakfast in the wee hours of the morn, or stay out until the sun is about to rise, but take a break, from everything, and find yourself again for a few hours.

a beginning must also have an end

my husband lost his grandmother last wednesday.  she lived a long, full life and is now in heaven rejoicing with her husband.  jason is so strong.  watching how he dealt with this loss was awesome.  not that this was an awesome situation, but his actions had me in awe and i, therefore, consider them awesome.  we did experience a new chapter in parenthood with this as well.  how to help an almost 2 year old deal with death.  not so much death itself, because she doesn't understand that yet, but helping her deal with the atmosphere and emotion of sadness.  she had no clue why everyone around her was so sad and why they were all crying.  she kept looking at me, with her big chocolate brown eyes reflecting the sadness around her along with the silent communication questioning why there was all of this sadness.  what do you say?  i decided there was really no way to help her understand at this point, so we went out into the lobby of the funeral home and within 10 seconds she was back to her normal self.  she explored the fish tank, she colored, she looked at pictures of her ggma, and she ran from one end of the building to the other.  when she did see her ggma in her casket the next day before the funeral, she asked if she was sleeping and if that was her bed.  her daddy told her yes to both.  i do need to say that the catholic church is advanced beyond all others with their cry rooms.  something very smart to have when funerals and wedding last an hour and a half.  books and toys galore, along with rocking chairs and a bathroom.  overall i would have to say my daughter handled her first encounter with the conclusion of the chapter of life as well as an almost 2 year old can be expected to.  along with that bringing joy and smiles to help keep the sadness at bay, a little while at a time, for the rest of the family.  she and jasper did very well with that job.  new little lives to remind us of the beginning.  my heart will choose to say lord blessed be your name.

i'm blue da ba dee da ba di

no, you're not seeing things.  this is blue milk, BLUE MILK!!!  WHAT!?  Not only is it blue, it is blue raspberry flavored milk!  maybe i am just getting really old, but that sounds like one of the most disgusting things ever!!!  i cannot fathom why a local dairy that sells milk that is already super tasty and super fresh, feels the need to ruin, totally and completely ruin, their milk.  are chocolate and strawberry not enough?  i have seen other offensive milk flavors such as root beer, orange, cotton candy, and dulce de leche. (the last one may not be so bad, but i still don't understand it)  all those flavors are very good all by their lonesomes, and they should stay in their already established and respected places.  Leave poor milk alone. :-(

Wait, where's my S? Oh yeah, SuperMom i'm not!

my dynamic duo.  i look at photos like this and i wonder how i can ever get frustrated, upset or irritated with them.  but i'm human and i do, sometimes way too easily it seems.  for example, today akina has decided that everything she says needs to be said a dozen times.  so all morning (all 2 hours that we have been up) i have been hearing "train, train, train, train" "hair, hair, hair, hair" "noise, noise, noise, noise" "all done, all done, all done, all done".  it's about to drive me up the wall.  i know that she is learning new words everyday, she is trying to put together sentences, and she wants me to be excited that she knows what to say, but sometimes the repeater thing makes me want to beat my head against the wall.  unfortunately, my frustration with hearing the same word 20 times in a row does get directed toward akina sometimes.  i feel horrible about this after telling her to be quiet and that she only needs to say things once, because she is just trying to figure out if she's right and how to express herself.  maybe it's bothering me more than usual today since it has been raining for about 5 days straight and we haven't really gotten a chance to go outside and play.  there is no break other than nap time when you are trapped in a house.  we ventured out to the mall yesterday with a friend, but then it was "walk, walk, walk, walk"  ok, you can walk, but don't touch anything.  if you touch, you have to get back in the stroller.  she makes it for about 2 minutes and then starts touching everything.  back into the stroller where i then, again, get to hear "walk, walk, walk, walk" except this time the whine in her voice is increasing with each time she says it.  when she figures out that she isn't going to get to walk anymore then she starts with "potty, potty, potty, potty" (eyes rolling!)  don't get me wrong, i am thrilled she is potty training, this time it is just an excuse to get out of the stroller.  we go to the bathroom, where jasper decides to start screaming (in a VERY echoey bathroom) and akina sits on the toilet for about 5 seconds and then starts wriggling off saying "all done". at this point she has no shoes on, she's half naked, there's a screaming infant and my concern is getting a new diaper on my child.  i leave her trainer that i had taken off of her on the floor with the full intention of going back and throwing it away once she was clothed again.  every single stall was open and available, every single one, and the woman that came in the bathroom while i was putting akina's diaper on went around the stroller that was parked in front of the first stall and then into the first stall.  so she got to kick a wet trainer out of the way.  when she came out i apologized and told her that i was going to throw the trainer away as soon as my daughter was in order.  she gave me the dirtiest look and was apparently so offended by the way that i handled things, left without washing her hands.  anyway, the lady is really not the point of the story.  my whole point is that unless we go somewhere where akina can get out, run around and be able to touch whatever she wants, it just seems like a whole lot of hard work and frustration for me, so i am then unmotivated to get the duo out of the house on rainy days.  it's a vicious circle.  i am considering looking into what it would take to start a mother's day out here in sioux falls.  we don't have one and i know, at least for me, just 1 day a week when i could get some things done without the duo around would be awesome.  i can't find a daycare that's willing to take kiddos for 1 day a week and i'm not sure i could afford it even if they would.  i wish i was one of those supermom's that always have fun activities planned for their kids, never gets tired of being around them and has patience as far as the eye can see.