2

my baby girl.

my first born.

i can't believe you're 2!

and sleeping in a big girl bed! where did the time go?!

sept. 4, 2008 was one of the best days of my life!  happy birthday, my gorgeous little girl.

hello me, i'd like to get to know you.

this is me.  i am 30 years old.  i have done a lot in 30 years that i am proud of and some things that i am not proud of.  but all of those things, pride causing or not, have made me who i am.  honestly, i feel i am still getting to know myself.  i am finally comfortable enough with who i am to not be embarassed when i like something that someone else does not. (especially those that like to ridicule people for liking something they think is absurdly ridiculous.)  i was a closet liker of so many things through most of my life because i was so afraid of what other people would think of me.  it has taken me all 30 of those years to get to the point where i don't care.  i am finally comfortable picking out or liking things that are different than "normal".  example: after jason and i got married we used money we had received to purchase a full set of living room furniture.  it is nice furniture, it is normal furniture, it is go with anything furniture.  it is the type of furniture that i am supposed to have so that when we move into a bigger house that has to be perfectly furnished and decorated, you know, the manicured look, i would be ready.  i was being smart, it was transitionable furniture.  now i look at it and all i can think is "blah.  blah, blah, blah."  because that's what it is.  it is boring, it has no personality.  the rest of the room has personality, paintings of hong kong, a bamboo ladder and other asian influences.  i love those, they are a part of who i am.  they describe a little piece of my personality to visitors.  but they are me.  not jason, not my duo, just me.  i lived in china, i bought these decorations, my family wasn't even a glimmer in my mind during my time there.  my whole perception is changing.  if someone walks into your house, what do you want them to see?  that a family lives there, to get a sense of you when they come in, see your family's personality shining through?  or do you want them to see the perfectly put together, restoration hardware living room, right out of the catalog?  don't get me wrong, the furniture is beautiful, but make it yours.  when i am done with my living room, there will be a whole lot of persoanlity shining through.  the chairs that will be going in cost $20 and $29 respectively and i couldn't be more excited about them.  they sure beat the $600 chair i am sitting in right now.  and to end this out, i feel you need to know, i like pop music.  i do.  i like many other kinds of music as well, but this seems to be one of the things that has plagued me since i was quite young.  no one wanted me to like it, so therefore when i was in a pop music-y mood, i had to listen in secret.  so now i am out.  i like it.  and i am going to love my vintage living room when i am done with it. ;-)

i need to download some patience......matrix style!

being a mom is pretty fantastic. chubby little arms (jazz) and not so chubby little arms (akina) reaching for you every morning to hug you and let you know how much you were missed during the night.  i used to think that i did not want children.  i didn't want to give up my freedom, i didn't want to have to devote all of my time to little ones who needed everything from me.  sometimes i still struggle with the amount of freedom that has taken a vacation. (i say vacation because someday that freedom will return.) when i have to turn down invitations or leave a get together earlier than i would like, it's difficult not think a little selfishly.  but, if you gave me the choice between the duo and freedom, i would choose my duo, hands down, no thought, everyday of the week and twice on sunday.  patience is something that is slowly growing in me, it's hard, i have lost my temper an embarassing number of times.  reading love & logic helped a lot and implementing it has done wonders to akina's attitude.  working has also given akina and i time to miss each other, which has helped me appreciate her more and vice versa.  3 months ago she could have cared less if i left for a little while, but now every time i leave i get hugs, kisses, blown kisses and an i love you (which sounds like wuv wu).   when i get home (the times she's awake) she runs to the stairs yelling "mommy!" and i get huge hugs and lots of kisses.  it melts my heart.  hopefully my patience has grown enough to survive potty training intact. ;-)

simply put

I. LOVE. MY. DYNAMIC. DUO.

Grrrrrrr!

i love my husband.  i really really do.  but i want to go on dates.  i want some romance.  i want to feel like time that time with just the 2 of us is as important as time with the duo.  i want to feel special and important.  maybe i am just in a rut, or maybe i am just realizing how little quality time we spent together now that i am working.  maybe i just felt like complaining.  whichever it is, lucky you gets to read about it. 

be all that you can be.......for you!

i don't think i have ever had so much fun watching my child make a huge mess.  i don't think i have ever had so much fun cleaning up a huge mess my child has made.  painting lasted for about 10 minutes before the kiddos figured out that the "paint" tasted good.  watching akina be creative brings out the child in me, the one that i forget is there a lot of the time.  it also helps to bring out my creativity so that i can come up with new projects and fun activities for us to do.  i dream of being the perfectly balanced parent whose child is whimsical, creative, talented and oh so intelligent.  what will she be when she grows up?  a kiss my afterburn test pilot, a pink haired punk drummer, an amazing artist with galleries everywhere fighting to show her creations, the scientist that finds the cure for an uncurable disease.  what will my little jazz be when he grows up?  a julliard trained classical musician, lead singer of an epic band (who, of course, writes his own songs and plays instruments!), a neurosurgeon that saves lives, a world famous writer.  i have high expectations for my children.  i want them to realize and live up to their potential, be unafraid to be who they want to be, unlike their mother.  i have hidden behind excuses for so much of my life because i was and am afraid of what i could actually accomplish.  but, how do you not pass on those traits to your children?  they see everything.  even the insecurities and bad habits you don't want them to see.  knowing that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of them as long as they are true to themselves.  being kind and accepting to and of everyone.  be phenomenal, caring, tough, kindhearted people.

crazy cookie fun

it was so fun to watch what she did to decorate the cookies.  and unbelievable to me how hard it was not to stifle her creativity and tell her how she was "supposed to do it".  i'm so glad i didn't though because what she did was so much better than having a bunch of cookies that looked the same.  who needs uniform cookies, akina's cookies were made to stand out and i know she will be one who stands out for the rest of her life. :-)  next project (thanks to nai nai's idea) finger painting with pudding.  maybe we'll see if a friend wants to come over and do that activity with akina. ;-)

the movement has started! :-o

it happened last night, the first milestone in the journey of movement, my bug rolled over from his back to his tummy.  all it did was make him mad since he is not a fan of being on his tummy, but mommy and daddy were sitting there clapping and telling him how rad he is.  again, he really couldn't have cared less.  there was that little part of my heart that started aching, thinking about how quickly he is growing up already.  3 months old, but it feels like he has been a part of our lives forever.  sometimes i get too caught up in the things i need to get done each day, or so frustrated that there never seems to be an end to the whining, fussing or temper tantrums, that i forget to stop and enjoy the simple things with my duo.  like the beauty of the dandelion that akina picked and thinks is the most beautiful flower in the world, simply because it's a flower.  or the smiles that jazz is more than willing to share just when you look at him, the look of amazement on his face when he is looking at his hand and moving it around and figuring out that it belongs to him.  the hugs that akina comes up and gives me around the neck when i am changing jasper's diaper.  where does the time go and why don't i remember more of those precious treasured moments?  i definitely need to treasure these moments more often so that i have no regrets when the duo is older.

the kids are away, so we shall play.....wait a minute.....who am i without kiddos!?

last friday night jason and i were given an amazing gift.  a night without the duo.  not just a night, a whole 24 hours!  i'm not sure we would have been able to figure out what to do with ourselves if we hadn't already had plans.  it was difficult for me to leave jazz for that amount of time.  akina didn't have a night without both of us until she was about 17 months old and here we were without jazz at 3 months old.  they stayed the night with gammy, pa pa, and aunt michelle, so they were extremely well taken care of.  regardless, as it got closer and closer to time for jazz to go with them, i started getting anxious.  i (kind of) got over it and let him go and decided to enjoy the time that jason and i had together.  as we drove back home i kept looking in the backseat and not only was there no duo, there were no carseats.  this really got me thinking about how i really have no idea how to function as a person that doesn't have to worry about getting home to feed a baby, what time we get home so that a babysitter can go home, and the fact that i won't have children waking me up in the morning so i get to sleep in!  we had a couples shower/bachelor/bachelorette partie(s) to go to and having not slept very well or very long the night before, we agreed that we weren't going to stay out too late.  needless to say we had a lot of fun and got home at a *very decent* 3:30am.  we closed down the last bar we were at and then decided breakfast at perkins sounded like a great idea.  not only can i not tell you the last time i was even awake at 3:30am, i certainly cannot tell you the last time i closed down a bar!!  when i got home all i was thinking was that it was awesome that i would get to sleep in and not worry about a baby waking me up because he's hungry.  i forgot to consider the fact that even though he isn't with me i am still a nursing mommy, so we'll just say my body had a different idea of what time i needed to get up and take care of some things that at that point were about to explode.  my point in all of this is that it has taken me over a year and a half to be able to allow others to take care of my kid(s) without feeling guilty about it or that i am taking advantage of or using them.  i don't know why i am wired this way, but i am.  i don't want to be a bother.  i am so glad that the grandparents were and are willing to take the duo because it was amazing to find anika again.  to not have to be mommy, to be able to let loose, to feel free again for a little while.  i LOVE my duo.  love, love, love them, but i need to remember to love me too and not lose sight of who i am just because i am a parent now.  that's a struggle, it has been since akina was born.  i'm not saying you have to close down bars, go to breakfast in the wee hours of the morn, or stay out until the sun is about to rise, but take a break, from everything, and find yourself again for a few hours.

a beginning must also have an end

my husband lost his grandmother last wednesday.  she lived a long, full life and is now in heaven rejoicing with her husband.  jason is so strong.  watching how he dealt with this loss was awesome.  not that this was an awesome situation, but his actions had me in awe and i, therefore, consider them awesome.  we did experience a new chapter in parenthood with this as well.  how to help an almost 2 year old deal with death.  not so much death itself, because she doesn't understand that yet, but helping her deal with the atmosphere and emotion of sadness.  she had no clue why everyone around her was so sad and why they were all crying.  she kept looking at me, with her big chocolate brown eyes reflecting the sadness around her along with the silent communication questioning why there was all of this sadness.  what do you say?  i decided there was really no way to help her understand at this point, so we went out into the lobby of the funeral home and within 10 seconds she was back to her normal self.  she explored the fish tank, she colored, she looked at pictures of her ggma, and she ran from one end of the building to the other.  when she did see her ggma in her casket the next day before the funeral, she asked if she was sleeping and if that was her bed.  her daddy told her yes to both.  i do need to say that the catholic church is advanced beyond all others with their cry rooms.  something very smart to have when funerals and wedding last an hour and a half.  books and toys galore, along with rocking chairs and a bathroom.  overall i would have to say my daughter handled her first encounter with the conclusion of the chapter of life as well as an almost 2 year old can be expected to.  along with that bringing joy and smiles to help keep the sadness at bay, a little while at a time, for the rest of the family.  she and jasper did very well with that job.  new little lives to remind us of the beginning.  my heart will choose to say lord blessed be your name.

i'm blue da ba dee da ba di

no, you're not seeing things.  this is blue milk, BLUE MILK!!!  WHAT!?  Not only is it blue, it is blue raspberry flavored milk!  maybe i am just getting really old, but that sounds like one of the most disgusting things ever!!!  i cannot fathom why a local dairy that sells milk that is already super tasty and super fresh, feels the need to ruin, totally and completely ruin, their milk.  are chocolate and strawberry not enough?  i have seen other offensive milk flavors such as root beer, orange, cotton candy, and dulce de leche. (the last one may not be so bad, but i still don't understand it)  all those flavors are very good all by their lonesomes, and they should stay in their already established and respected places.  Leave poor milk alone. :-(

Wait, where's my S? Oh yeah, SuperMom i'm not!

my dynamic duo.  i look at photos like this and i wonder how i can ever get frustrated, upset or irritated with them.  but i'm human and i do, sometimes way too easily it seems.  for example, today akina has decided that everything she says needs to be said a dozen times.  so all morning (all 2 hours that we have been up) i have been hearing "train, train, train, train" "hair, hair, hair, hair" "noise, noise, noise, noise" "all done, all done, all done, all done".  it's about to drive me up the wall.  i know that she is learning new words everyday, she is trying to put together sentences, and she wants me to be excited that she knows what to say, but sometimes the repeater thing makes me want to beat my head against the wall.  unfortunately, my frustration with hearing the same word 20 times in a row does get directed toward akina sometimes.  i feel horrible about this after telling her to be quiet and that she only needs to say things once, because she is just trying to figure out if she's right and how to express herself.  maybe it's bothering me more than usual today since it has been raining for about 5 days straight and we haven't really gotten a chance to go outside and play.  there is no break other than nap time when you are trapped in a house.  we ventured out to the mall yesterday with a friend, but then it was "walk, walk, walk, walk"  ok, you can walk, but don't touch anything.  if you touch, you have to get back in the stroller.  she makes it for about 2 minutes and then starts touching everything.  back into the stroller where i then, again, get to hear "walk, walk, walk, walk" except this time the whine in her voice is increasing with each time she says it.  when she figures out that she isn't going to get to walk anymore then she starts with "potty, potty, potty, potty" (eyes rolling!)  don't get me wrong, i am thrilled she is potty training, this time it is just an excuse to get out of the stroller.  we go to the bathroom, where jasper decides to start screaming (in a VERY echoey bathroom) and akina sits on the toilet for about 5 seconds and then starts wriggling off saying "all done". at this point she has no shoes on, she's half naked, there's a screaming infant and my concern is getting a new diaper on my child.  i leave her trainer that i had taken off of her on the floor with the full intention of going back and throwing it away once she was clothed again.  every single stall was open and available, every single one, and the woman that came in the bathroom while i was putting akina's diaper on went around the stroller that was parked in front of the first stall and then into the first stall.  so she got to kick a wet trainer out of the way.  when she came out i apologized and told her that i was going to throw the trainer away as soon as my daughter was in order.  she gave me the dirtiest look and was apparently so offended by the way that i handled things, left without washing her hands.  anyway, the lady is really not the point of the story.  my whole point is that unless we go somewhere where akina can get out, run around and be able to touch whatever she wants, it just seems like a whole lot of hard work and frustration for me, so i am then unmotivated to get the duo out of the house on rainy days.  it's a vicious circle.  i am considering looking into what it would take to start a mother's day out here in sioux falls.  we don't have one and i know, at least for me, just 1 day a week when i could get some things done without the duo around would be awesome.  i can't find a daycare that's willing to take kiddos for 1 day a week and i'm not sure i could afford it even if they would.  i wish i was one of those supermom's that always have fun activities planned for their kids, never gets tired of being around them and has patience as far as the eye can see. 

"Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!"

I had no other choice today, except to come to the conclusion that I have fallen.  I have fallen very, very deep into the "bad mommy" hole.  Not bad mommy to my children, but the "I don't take the time to really take care of myself" bad mommy hole.  The reason I came to this conclusion is that while I was getting ready this morning Jason and I were making a list of things we needed to go shopping for and Jason said "We are going shopping for a new shirt for you so you can throw that blue one in the trash!"  Now, my husband, the one who has never really seemed concerned about what I wear or anything like that saying this was like having a boulder dropped on my head.  Hello!!  Wake up call!!!!  I need to start giving myself a bit more TLC so that I feel better about myself and so that my husband can be proud of the way that I look. So I guess it's bye bye rattly old t-shirts, you have served your 4 years well. (or not so well, since my husband demanded I stop wearing you.)

Dirt, caterpillars, drums and little boy business

This is my Jasper, or as I usually call him "Jazz", "bug", "bug bug", or mister mister".  He is such a happy little man.  This picture is his shout out to Aunt Katherine, Aunt Michelle and "Aunt" Kristen.  This little guy brings many smiles to my face throughout the day.  He reminds me why I love being a Mommy on days (like yesterday) that I question if I was really cut out to do this.  Right now he is all snuggled up in his swing sleeping peacefully, while his sister zooms around the room constantly asking for some of my gummy bears after she has eaten all of hers.  He definitely stole our hearts the second he was born and hasn't stopped stealing them since. 

Here's the problem:  I don't have a clue how to take care of a little boy!  Cleaning up after a messy diaper is totally different.  Don't listen to people if they tell you it is SO much easier than cleaning up after girls.  You have to move things around and there are still wrinkles and stuff, they're just in different places.  Making a decision about circumcision can definitely cause a rift between spouses. (Luckily Jason and I were pretty much in agreement from the start on what we would do.) CLOTHING!!!  Oh where do I begin with clothing!?  I may not be a super fashionista, but I do know that I don't want to dress my little guy in sweatpants ALL the time.  Almost every garage sale I have been to that is all there is, sweatpants, sweatpants and even more (you guessed it) sweatpants!  Where are the jeans?  Where are the cords?  And then after all that, I start to think about a few years from now, when he wants to wreak havoc on his sister and bang on everything that makes noise and dig in the dirt to find that big juicy worm that is just "so awesome!"  As with everything else in life it will be a learning experience.  Maybe I think taking care of a girl is so much easier because I am one, I don't know, but I do know that life is never going to be dull with the dynamic duo around.

A rainy fits & foodie Thursday

It's been one of those mornings, stubborn, crying, screaming, disobedient, and rainy Thursday morning.  Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's a combination of the rain and the cold. Cold is comparitively speaking, of course, because it's really only cold compared to the beautiful 80 degree weather we've been having lately.  And don't get me wrong, I LOVE rainy days, just not in companionship with a temper tantrum throwing toddler.  I know double T's are part of the package when you become a Mom, it just seems that when my toddler throws the dreaded double T's she has a bit too much of me in her.  In that way we are probably a good fit because I have just enough extra stubborness to outlast hers.  Our big problem this morning, the double T decided to rear its ugly and very stubborn head while we were walking at the mall.  This is something that is difficult for me, discipline in public, because there are so many eyes watching.  Those eyes feel that everything you do is their business as well and if any act is witnessed that those eyes disapprove of, you can find yourself in a heap of trouble. (Because they're right you know, one swat on the bottom while your child is screaming about having to sit in the stroller again definitely means that you are a horrid parent and you abuse your child.  *Please note: Previous sentence to be said with all the sarcasm it is possible to muster.) No one has ever said anything to me nor have I ever been visited by child services, but I do know people it has happened to.  And please, don't get me wrong, I believe in child services, I believe there are definitely horrible home situations.  Anyway, after following the rabbit hole I will now come back to the original story.  No form of discipline is working at the mall, so I decide to go out to the car and sit in silence with Akina strapped in her carseat until she decides she wants to apologize.  No dice, we sit there for 15 minutes and Jasper decides it's time to let me know he's hungry.  I'm not really a fan of sitting in a car with a screaming infant, so I started the car and we drive home, where I promptly tell Akina that she is in time out until she decides to apologize (which has been the issue all along since she decided to throw a double T out in public).  So in her crib she still sits because she got a little bit too much of me in her.  I'm sure sometime within the next couple of hours she will do something that is totally adorable and I will forget the monster that rose up and reared its ugly head for a little while this morning (I am not calling my daughter a monster).  This morning just made me think that maybe the next time I see a situation that I think is being handled badly, I need to take a step back and remind myself that I have no idea who this person is and I have no idea what has led up to what I just observed.  I should reserve my judgement for myself and pull the log out of my own eye before worrying about their speck.

On a foodie note, I threw together a dinner the other night that actually made my husband say "Wow, this is really good!"  It knocked me off my feet because usually the best I get is a "It's not bad" after I ask how it is.  So an uninstigated comment like that, said with gusto, pretty much means this meal is "da bomb" (This is nothing against my husband, he is just very even keeled and just goes with the flow) Ha Ha!  I am so out of the loop when it comes to the "hip" sayings.  Anyway, I thought I would share what it was and hope that you give it a try.  Step outside your box a little and savor the flavor explosion.

1 spicy andouille sausage (amazing! it has become my favorite sausage)
1 green, 1 red, and 1 yellow pepper cut into strips (you can use any mixture of peppers you want)
1-3 vidalia or other sweet onion(s) cut into pieces (just depending on how much you like onions)
3 med. sweet potatoes or yams cut into small cubes
1 pkg. baby spinach
ranch dressing

Slice the andouille sausage into small pieces.
Roast sweet potato cubes in the oven at 400 degrees for about 40 min. taking out halfway through and stirring around.
While the potatoes are roasting saute the onions and peppers until they are starting to brown and then add the sausage slices.  Continue to saute until the sausage is hot and starting to brown a little.
Spread the spinach on a plate and drizzle with just a little ranch dressing.  Sprinkle potatoes over the spinach and then cover with the sausage, pepper and onion mix.  Let sit for just a couple of minutes and the heat will wilt the spinach a little.
Sit down, dig in, and let the food rock your world!!

I hope you enjoy and I hope you have a fabulous Thursday.  Hopefully a little angel will emerge this afternoon and we will have some fun.

These boots are made for.....being epically adorable!

It will be a day of mourning when we try to put these boots on Akina's adorable little feet and find that she has moved into a new era of shoe fashion. These fantastic little cowboy boots have run through snow, danced through rain and played in the sunshine. The smile that lights up Akina's face every time she gets to wear them has made them worth every penny. Had I known she was going to love them so much i'm sure I would have happily paid 5 times what I did. But, finding them at the steal that I did, and her being so ecstatically happy about them, makes them one of the best deals I have ever found. These boots have been the feature of many, many a photograph and only add to the adorable superstar that is wearing them in the photographs. These boots and the happiness and smiles that they bring to my daughter's beautiful little face will make me think twice when I see THAT next pair of footwear, you know, the pair that will take the place of the cowboy boots, and think "Oh, I can't pay that much for shoes that she will grow out of in a few months." Oh yes I can, and I will!!! The joy that something so simple brings to my little girl is totally worth a few extra dollars. Besides, that epic pair of boots (or shoes) only comes around every once in awhile. Splurge a little sometimes and capture those breathtaking smiles that light up the face of your little one(s).

A shout out to the phenomenal The Parsons Photographers for the above photo!!!