last friday night jason and i were given an amazing gift. a night without the duo. not just a night, a whole 24 hours! i'm not sure we would have been able to figure out what to do with ourselves if we hadn't already had plans. it was difficult for me to leave jazz for that amount of time. akina didn't have a night without both of us until she was about 17 months old and here we were without jazz at 3 months old. they stayed the night with gammy, pa pa, and aunt michelle, so they were extremely well taken care of. regardless, as it got closer and closer to time for jazz to go with them, i started getting anxious. i (kind of) got over it and let him go and decided to enjoy the time that jason and i had together. as we drove back home i kept looking in the backseat and not only was there no duo, there were no carseats. this really got me thinking about how i really have no idea how to function as a person that doesn't have to worry about getting home to feed a baby, what time we get home so that a babysitter can go home, and the fact that i won't have children waking me up in the morning so i get to sleep in! we had a couples shower/bachelor/bachelorette partie(s) to go to and having not slept very well or very long the night before, we agreed that we weren't going to stay out too late. needless to say we had a lot of fun and got home at a *very decent* 3:30am. we closed down the last bar we were at and then decided breakfast at perkins sounded like a great idea. not only can i not tell you the last time i was even awake at 3:30am, i certainly cannot tell you the last time i closed down a bar!! when i got home all i was thinking was that it was awesome that i would get to sleep in and not worry about a baby waking me up because he's hungry. i forgot to consider the fact that even though he isn't with me i am still a nursing mommy, so we'll just say my body had a different idea of what time i needed to get up and take care of some things that at that point were about to explode. my point in all of this is that it has taken me over a year and a half to be able to allow others to take care of my kid(s) without feeling guilty about it or that i am taking advantage of or using them. i don't know why i am wired this way, but i am. i don't want to be a bother. i am so glad that the grandparents were and are willing to take the duo because it was amazing to find anika again. to not have to be mommy, to be able to let loose, to feel free again for a little while. i LOVE my duo. love, love, love them, but i need to remember to love me too and not lose sight of who i am just because i am a parent now. that's a struggle, it has been since akina was born. i'm not saying you have to close down bars, go to breakfast in the wee hours of the morn, or stay out until the sun is about to rise, but take a break, from everything, and find yourself again for a few hours.
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